Friday, May 27, 2011

Feeling Down

From now on, I'll probably only be able to write one or two normal blogs per week. This past week has been just plain crappy for me. I wanted to keep my blogs from becoming too personal, but more and more I feel like I need an outlet for issues that are really affecting my life. I've become more irritable, emotional and confused over the past few days, and nothing feels like the right choice anymore, no matter what the problem or question is. There's no right answer for life. Right now, I'm not sure what to do.

I've been thinking of so many different things that I could at least try to do to get my life somewhere remotely close to where I want it to be. But it seems like to start trying to do anything besides what you've been doing, you need lots of money - or connections, neither of which I have. I keep coming to points in my life where I feel stuck, like I can't do anything different or new without giving up everything. These points and realizations have gotten me so down that I feel like giving up. But the thing is - I'm so low in life status that giving up would probably literally mean dying. I have no one to take care of me but myself. As much as anyone would like to believe that my boyfriend or my mom could take care of me if I needed it - they couldn't. And I couldn't do that to them - if they had to worry about taking care of me more than they already do, it would suck their lives down with mine. I don't know if it's that I have to provide for myself or just a want of knowing that I can provide myself with a good life.

I guess the main issue is that about half of the time, I don't know how to be happy. A lot of not so great things happen and I don't know where to look to find the good in it all. I should be able to take all of the tiny things that bring me some type of satisfaction and be happy holding on to that, but I've not been able to hold onto that for more than a few moments. It's like trying to fix a crack in a dam with bubblegum. It might hold for a little bit, but pretty soon, that dam is going to spring that leak again. I don't need bubblegum... I need cement, and I don't know where to find it. The hardware store isn't showing up on my GPS and there's no one around who can give me exact directions there.

Also, there are all the little tiny things that irritate or frustrate me throughout the day that cancel out the little tiny things that make me smile or that I'm looking forward to. Angst is a pretty strong weapon, and it takes a pretty strong hold. One that I haven't learned how to get out of yet, but I'm hoping that one day I can. Hope - that's another thing, just like dreams. I have them, but why does it take so long for something to become real? I hoped and hoped for a significant change for the better, something that was out of my control, but affected my life a great deal (you know, the same scenario as high gas prices - there's only so much you can do to battle how much you spend on it), and when it finally looked like things were improving, you get smacked right in the face - again. And dreams - they get exponentially harder to turn into reality once you add more that just yourself. But it wouldn't be the dream without the other stuff - it wouldn't be what you really want. So all of it goes around and around and around, not unlike the feeling of taking one step forward and two steps back. Sometimes you get to take two steps forward and only one step back, but it'll still take you forever and a day to get there.

I guess I still need to ask a question to fit this into the setup of my blog. What do you do when you're feeling down?

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