Feeling Down

From now on, I'll probably only be able to write one or two normal blogs per week. This past week has been just plain crappy for me. I wanted to keep my blogs from becoming too personal, but more and more I feel like I need an outlet for issues that are really affecting my life. I've become more irritable, emotional and confused over the past few days, and nothing feels like the right choice anymore, no matter what the problem or question is. There's no right answer for life. Right now, I'm not sure what to do.

I've been thinking of so many different things that I could at least try to do to get my life somewhere remotely close to where I want it to be. But it seems like to start trying to do anything besides what you've been doing, you need lots of money - or connections, neither of which I have. I keep coming to points in my life where I feel stuck, like I can't do anything different or new without giving up everything. These points and realizations have gotten me so down that I feel like giving up. But the thing is - I'm so low in life status that giving up would probably literally mean dying. I have no one to take care of me but myself. As much as anyone would like to believe that my boyfriend or my mom could take care of me if I needed it - they couldn't. And I couldn't do that to them - if they had to worry about taking care of me more than they already do, it would suck their lives down with mine. I don't know if it's that I have to provide for myself or just a want of knowing that I can provide myself with a good life.

I guess the main issue is that about half of the time, I don't know how to be happy. A lot of not so great things happen and I don't know where to look to find the good in it all. I should be able to take all of the tiny things that bring me some type of satisfaction and be happy holding on to that, but I've not been able to hold onto that for more than a few moments. It's like trying to fix a crack in a dam with bubblegum. It might hold for a little bit, but pretty soon, that dam is going to spring that leak again. I don't need bubblegum... I need cement, and I don't know where to find it. The hardware store isn't showing up on my GPS and there's no one around who can give me exact directions there.

Also, there are all the little tiny things that irritate or frustrate me throughout the day that cancel out the little tiny things that make me smile or that I'm looking forward to. Angst is a pretty strong weapon, and it takes a pretty strong hold. One that I haven't learned how to get out of yet, but I'm hoping that one day I can. Hope - that's another thing, just like dreams. I have them, but why does it take so long for something to become real? I hoped and hoped for a significant change for the better, something that was out of my control, but affected my life a great deal (you know, the same scenario as high gas prices - there's only so much you can do to battle how much you spend on it), and when it finally looked like things were improving, you get smacked right in the face - again. And dreams - they get exponentially harder to turn into reality once you add more that just yourself. But it wouldn't be the dream without the other stuff - it wouldn't be what you really want. So all of it goes around and around and around, not unlike the feeling of taking one step forward and two steps back. Sometimes you get to take two steps forward and only one step back, but it'll still take you forever and a day to get there.

I guess I still need to ask a question to fit this into the setup of my blog. What do you do when you're feeling down?

Birthday Gifts & Obnoxious Chicks

This weekend has gone really well for me. I've had a good time going to the movies with my guy and hanging out with friends and my mom - and trying to guess what my birthday present is. Although my birthday isn't for another FOUR months, my guy has already bought one of my gifts.

All I know about the gift is that it fits into a box (sized about 3' x 2' x 1'), it's pretty expensive (I consider expensive anything over $50, but I'm guessing that this has fallen into the range of between $100 and $300), my brother was with my guy when the present was bought (at Wal-Mart), my female cousin loved it when it was shown to her, and my guy's best friend and his wife now know what it is. Also, there is apparently going to be a small gathering when I'm given my gift which has been scheduled to be gifted to me around the 4th of July, two months early. My love says that he's giving it(them) to me two months early because of two reasons: one, we had planned to go to Gatlinburg that week, but now we won't be able to go due to money contrictions, and two: because last year my birthday gift came two months late. This is all I am allowed to know, and all that anyone has told me. I may be updating on this situation from time to time, since I'm so intrigued by what it could be. I have my guesses, but for now, I'm not going to post what they are.

On to the obnoxious chicks thing... we went to see the Pirates movie yesterday and though the movie was great, I was dissappointed with the experience at the theater all because of one girl that just had to sit next to me. She was about my age, it looked like, but she was so incredibly loud that it almost ruined the movie for me. She was apparently so easily amused that she was laughing at everything, whether it was funny or not. At times, she was the only one in the entire theater laughing. And it wasn't a little laugh either. It was a big, loud, boistrous laugh that rang through the entire theather above all the sword-fighting action noise - right into my ear drum. At the parts I wanted to laugh, my jolliness was cut short by the annoyance of her laughter. I had to plug my ear from time to time since the shrill pierced right into my ear drum. She was so distracting at parts, that I'm sure I will see new things when I'm finally able to watch the movie again.

In other news - i got new glasses - yay! They are extremely different from the ones I've had for about four or five years now - and they're purple! However, I have to go - like now - to get them adjusted. They are killing the behind my ears area by being just a bit too snug. I've actually been typing half of this blog without any help corercting my poor vision, so I spologize for any mis-spellings. I just can not take the pain any longer. Straight to the eye people  - after my questions for you.

Questions: What was your worst movie going experience? And... what do you think my gift could be (please do not guess "ring" though - I've come to the conclusion that it's not)?

TV Show Envy

Apologies for the few days of haitus I've taken. I will probably tend to do that from time to time, just because life can get so busy. You all know how it goes, I'm sure.

Today I started thinking about the kinds of TV shows that I enjoy - mostly comedies like "The Big Bang Theory", "That 70's Show" or "How I Met Your Mother". I realized that though I know that the lives of the characters in the show aren't real, I envy them at times.

For all the above mentioned shows, there is a group of friends, for one. That intimate group of friends is what makes the show interesting, and usually doesn't exist in "real life". However, that's one of the things I find that I wish I had - a group of four or five really close friends. Friendships aren't perfect, but they're always there for each other at the end.

Last night, I found myself envious of the last episode of the season for "How I Met Your Mother". I'm sorry if you haven't seen the episode yet and this spoils it for you, but Lilly finds out she's finally pregnant. Though in no way do I think I need to have a baby in the near future, I can't help the mother/ticking clock instinct. It's a real tough spot to be in - wanting and not wanting something at the same time.

I feel myself starting to ramble, so I am going to end now with today's question: If you could choose to be any tv show character and have their life, who would you be?

The Summer of Movies

This summer has been proclaimed the "The Movie Summer" by my guy and I. As I believe I've stated in a previous post, we have a movie to go see almost every weekend, and are thanking our stars that one of our local theaters has a special $5 deal during certain showtimes. This speicific post will be updated throughout the summer with the names and dates of movies seen and also my personal ratings on a 1 - 10 scale.

To see synopsis, my fuller opinion, websites to movies, etc., check out my side blog "The Summer of Movies" by clicking HERE.

Movie #1: African Cats. Date: April 23, 2011. My rating:: 7
Movie #2: Thor. Date: May 7, 2011. My rating: 8
Movie #3: Bridesmaids. Date: May 14, 2011. My rating: 9
Movie #4: Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides. Date: May 21, 2011. My rating: 7

The Good News/Bad News Game

I feel like today has been a day of the good news/bad news game. The day started out with the power going out while I was trying to get ready. Bad news. The boss was in a rage first thing this morning, and were told to try our best to avoid them. Bad news. After much debating, the decision was made that we wouldn't be able to afford to go to Gatlinburg for our summer vacation. Bad news. I forgot about a "street fest" at the cafeteria today that I got a reminder about which meant free lunch. Good news. We got $1500 deposited into an account from the insurance company to help pay for repairs on the car. Good news. We need another $500 to cover the cost of the repairs on top of that. Bad news. I have a huge zit on my chin. Bad news. It's sunny outside so we can finally grill. Good news.

Most of today's news has apparently been bad. I just realized that, but I am so grateful that it's Friday. Good news. I think the fact that it's Friday helps even out the score, but the dissappointment of not being able to have a real vacation weighs the bad news side down pretty heavily. And that bad news will last all summer.

That's all I have to blog on for today, since I have a mini-migraine and it's worn my brain out. (More bad news.) Searching for a question to ask today...  ...  ...  ...  ...  What has been the best news that you've gotten today (or event that's happened)?

Mistaken Relations

Today, I have to blog about something both interesting and slightly disturbing that happened to my guy and I over my lunch break. We were paying a utility bill - scene: I was sitting in a chair across the desk from the teller with my guy standing behind me rubbing my neck. After the transaction was completed the teller acted like she wanted to say something but was having trouble finding the words.

Finally she pointed back and forth to both of us and asked "husband and wife?". As much as I would have like to have just said yes, I told the truth and shook my head no. She then proceeded to ask us if we were brother and sister then. OMG - NO!
That answer was nearly shouted by the both of us. We are still not sure why she would think that we were brother and sister after seeing him rub my neck the way he was doing. She told us that we resembled each other. We have been told that before even though neither of us see it. If it weren't for the fact that I don't want to post personal photos of anyone, including myself, on my blog, that would be the question I would have for you today.
The teller finally got the right combination of "boyfriend and girlfriend" right. But the baffled thoughts of our mistaken relationships had already done their damage for the day. Ten minutes later I had to force my beloved to "take the brother/sister thing and throw it out the window" since he wouldn't stop talking about how inappropriate the thought was, especially after the teller saw him rubbing my neck, and that even twenty generations ago our families were unlikely to be related, and so on and so forth.

Now that I have been mistaken both for my boyfriend's sister and years ago mistaken for my brother's wife (even more disturbing and grotesque), I ask you: have you ever been mistaken for a partner's sibling or a sibling's partner?

TidBits and a Dream

This post also will be short and sweet, since again today I am experiencing a "writer's block" and can not think of any inspiring topics to write about. So I will share wil you some personal tidbits that I find - interesting.

One: did you know that the pesticides that are sprayed on the majority of our food crops is actually a derivitive of the nerve gas that was used in WWII? I learned this little fact on another documentary (I told you I was a geek about them) called "The Future of Food" that I watched last night.

Two: last night I recieved the new eyeshadow that I ordered, so I wanted to try it out. I put some on and decided to just leave it on, since it wasn't hurting anything and I'd be taking a shower later on anyway to wash it off. I ended up falling asleep on the couch, and when my boyfriend came home and woke me up he looked at me and asked "What's wrong with your eyes?". Still being half asleep, I half-freaked and wondered what was wrong with my eyes - were they swolen or red or - what? Then I remembered that I had on some darker colored eyeshadow. Relief in part because nothing was wrong with my eyes; slight annoyance that the color made my dear think there was something wrong with me.

Three: my dream last night. Now, if you were to know me, you would know that I have quite vivid and quite frankly - weird dreams, and I almost always remember them. So here's what I dreamt last night. Please don't judge, because I myself was a bit weirded out:
I was at a luncheon with everyone in my office, not unlike a two hour event that happens once a year for us. In this dream I was very pregnant (I am not pregnant in "real" life). All of a sudden I felt a contraction and announced that it was "Time" and I needed to leave. A couple of co-workers drove me to the hospital where my boyfriend (was husband in the dream) met me. For some reason, I didn't want to stay, since there didn't seem to be many doctors or nurses around to help, and the pain wasn't that bad. However, on our way home, we ended up pulling over and I gave birth half squatting - somewhere. Now... before I tell you the next part, I will tell you that in this dream world it was a normal accident of sorts for doctors to sometimes place an animal embryo into the womb of a human to help her get pregnant, instead of a human embryo. I, apparently, had been placed with an animal embryo. I proceeded to give a not very painful birth to a - purple haired daschund puppy. The birth not being very painful since the puppy was so small. And why it had purple hair, I have no clue. In my dream, I did realize that this was not normal and that I did not actually give birth to a human baby, so therefore I didn't consider myself a real mother with a real child. But, I was not entirely upset, since I now had a very cute and interesting new pet, who enjoyed climbing to high places such as the back of the couch, but was also clumsy and kept falling off of things.
I do not know what this dream really means, as the only explanation I could find online specifically about the birth of an animal such as a dog, is that the dream was foretelling that "allies who will be of great assistance to you soon surround you". That just makes me wonder what I'm going to need great assistance with.

Ending on the dream note, here's my question for you today: What's your craziest or most interesting dream?

Super Docu-Geek

Since I'm stumped on what to write about today, I'm going to keep this post short, sweet and personal. It's not in my profile, but I'm about to share a fact about myself that most don't know.

I am a documentary super geek. Seriously.

You know how some people love SciFi (well, now spelled SyFy for som ungodly reason) or Fantasy and are complete nerds about Star Trek or Lord of the Rings or some other big show like that? I'm all about the documentary. Normally it doesn't even matter what kind it is, but I do have a tendancy towards National Geographic and BBC. But the topics can range from war to animals to the production of plastic. I guess I find visual learning about things fascinating.

Last night I wantched a documentary called "Living with Wolves" and also the extra DVD called "Wolves at our Door" that came with it. It was about a couple, the Dutchers, who lived with a pack of wolves in the Sawtooth Valley in northern Idaho for 6 years. The wolf pack was enclosed in "camp wolf" to ensure that the Dutchers could easily record and document their behavior. The wolves that created the successful pack were also bottle fed as pups to ensure that they trusted the Dutchers enough to be around them and allow themselves to be filmed partaking in normal wolf behavior.

I noticed something about this documentary that was really familiar. Has anyone seen the animation film "Alpha and Omega"? I could swear that many facts from this single documentary were taken to make the cartoon. For one, it talked about the fact that the Omega of the pack was the peace-and-fun-maker. Another interesting similarity is that one of the female wolves that seemed destined to be an Omega was actually chosen by the Alpha male to be his mate, thus becoming the Alpha female.

I know to a lot of you, this may not seem that interesting, but this is the kind of stuff that I love - learning new things, and learning different views on the same things and how it all fits together with everything else. It's my kind of learning. I'm not sure what that all means about me, but I'm not worrying about that aspect too much.

I'll get on to my question of the day for you so I can stop my rambling:
What are you a nerd about?

Money Down the Drain... literally.

Over the weekend my boyfriend and I decided that we would try out one of the area laudromats instead of using the laundry center at our apartment complex, since he was sure the wash and dry cycles were faster at the "nicer" laundromat, and we were pretty busy that day and trying to save time. However, when we walked in and saw the prices - I refused to pay and we strode right back out.

I still can not believe that the price to wash ONE load of clothes ranges between $3.75 and $5.00 depending on which type of washer you use. And it's the same amount to dry. At our apartment laundry center it costs $1.00 per load to wash/dry. The washers are tiny, but I can live with having to do three loads for $6.00. I can't pay roughly $16.00 every week, and I honestly don't see how anyone could afford that. I'd rather buy an old metal washboard and scrub my clothes in the bathtub. I can be 1850.

Luckily, my mom is nice enough to let us do our laundry free of charge when we come visit, so I ended up taking it all out there while visiting her for mother's day. She's just awesome like that. But there is a caveat with going to her house - she lives a good 25 - 30 minutes away, so sometimes it's cheaper to just pay the $6.00 than to put enough gas in the vehicle to make it out there and back. I swear that now-a-days gas is the root of all the evil in the world... well, make that oil in general. But I won't go into that right now.

Another thing that has risen in cost to ridiculous levels: the movies. This summer, we have a movie just about every weekend that we want to go see. (This past weekend we saw the movie "Thor" - really good; I recommend.) I wouldn't have agreed to such frugal spending had we not found a super great deal. I'm not sure if this applies to all Carmike theaters, but I know for sure that the Carmike theater in the Governor's Square Mall in Clarksville, TN has a deal on tickets between the hours of 4:00pm and 5:30pm (I think - please check with the theater, or for an update on this post, for more accurate hours) for only $5.00! Of course, you do have to pay the extra fee if you want to see your movie choice in 3D. But for the two of us to enjoy a movie at an actual theater, $10 is a steal these days. If you want a drink or popcorn or candy, you're out of luck there unless you go on Tuesday afternoon, where you can have a small drink for $1, a small popcorn for $1, and a candy for $2.50.

I feel like I've rambled in this post, which I will try my best to stay on subject and not ramble to much in any of them... but, my mom has nicknamed me "Babylon" because at time I tend to "babble on and on". Apologies in advance if I ever do so. It's a work in progress to get better with that. So... on to my questions for you today:

What is the most that you have ever spent to wash your clothes (this includes if you have ever sent something to the dry cleaners)? And... what would the ticket price of a movie have to be for you to completely say no to all theater outings?

For Baby Namesakes

I was reading about the most popular baby names of 2010 and it never ceases to amaze me that tons of people name their kids after something or someone famous. Personally, I don't understand sticking your children with a name like Isabella or Jacob just because you're a fan of the Twilight series. By the time the kid hits middle school and knows 20 other Isabella's in her class, she's going to wonder why you gave her that name. You'll tell her the truth, I'd hope, and then she will have to find out from her friends that her parents had no originality in naming her because the rest of the Isabella's were named after a character in the Twilight series as well. And by the time our babies of 2010 and 2011 are in middle school, they're going to think we are insane for having this weird obsession with sparkly vampires and werewolves.

Just in case you were wondering what the top 10 names of each sex were for 2010, here they are, in order:
GIRLS                        BOYS
Isabella                      Jacob
Sophia                       Ethan
Emma                       Michael
Olivia                         Jayden
Ava                            William
Emily                         Alexander
Abigail                        Noah
Madison                     Daniel
Chloe                         Aiden
Mia                             Anthony

I do find it interesting that our beloved vampire Edward isn't on the list. Maybe Edward is number 11 or 12. I didn't research that far into it.

One name's placement on this list makes me sad. The third most popular name for girls, Emma, is a name that I have wanted to give my first daughter since I first humored the idea of becoming a mother. I'm struggling with the fact that if I have a daughter within the next few years that there will be tons of other Emma's out there. I've never been too concerned about having a super original name like those I've come across at work (i.e. "Rain Forest", "Talledega Champion", or "Rose Busch"), but I've never been too concerned about plain names either like John or Jane. I wanted something in-between, and Emma seemed like the perfect fit, especially since it's also my grandmother's middle name. I'm just hoping, that by the time I start having children, that the name Emma will fall a few points in popularity. So to all of you mothers-to-be... please, I'm begging you, let me have that name (unless it's a family namesake for you as well, then more power to you).

Here's my question to you for the day: Is your name or the name of your child(ren) on the top ten for 2010 list?

Obama, O Bin Laden

Today I thought I would share with you an interesting "secret" that I learned this morning. Obama will be coming to my home town today to welcome back the soldiers that killed O Bin Laden. Apparently it was supposed to be kept a secret to minimize security threat and all that jazz. It would have been a secret from me had my boss not mentioned it, seeing as I don't have cable. If you can't tell, I'm not too super excited about Obama being here though.

Another thing that you should know about me is that I hate talking politics. I know I'm in the generation that is supposed to give a crap to change the world for a better future and stuff, and it's not that I don't give a crap, it's just that it all frustrates me. I know that for most things it's better to be aware than naive, but in the case of politics and who has done what - I wish to stay un-informed. Life seems a simpler if you don't worry about what everyone else is doing, espeically when there's not much you could do to change anything. Don't worry - I have really strong opinions on a lot of the political issues, but I won't tell you because then I would just get frustrated and ruin a perfectly good morning.

So as a favor to myself, I will not freak out and worry that in addition to the normal stress of commencements and staff meetings and missing TomTom's today, that we will be blown to bits by some terroristic attack on our base just because the President (had to make sure that was a "capital" P there) is here. I know at least one of my colleagues is freaking out enough for all of us.

On another note, I'm finding it awkward that our nation's leader's name rhymes with our nation's greatest enemy... anybody else think about that often? You know... Obama... Osama...? In past conversations, I've mixed up their names. Yes, I realize that's a "bad" thing to do, but I jsut can't help it. I'm not that good with names to begin with, and then you give me names that rhyme.

So I have two questions for you today. Number one: If you talk about Osama/Obama, do you ever mix up their names? And number two: What would be your feelings or concerns if the President were to be coming to your town in this same situation (you know, the whole we killed dude and he's coming to congratulate the soldiers who did it thing)?

The Mustache

Recently - this morning actually - my boyfriend decided that he wanted a change. That change involved shaving his beard into a lonely mustache. Normally, he will either wear a full beard or a goatee, both styles that I have come to love on him. This new style however, I am having difficulty with. Serious difficulty.

He would like to keep this mustache, for a reason that is unknown to me. Maybe because his mom says it makes him look like his dad and she likes it. Shouldn't my opinion count more though? I have agreed to let him keep it for today, but I honestly don't think I'll be able to get used to this change. All I have to say is that he better not shave my head in my sleep should I decide to shave his mustache in his, like he has threatened to do.

I should probably give you a reason I'm not so fond of the single mustache. Point blank, I think they are creepy. I haven't had many good experiences with any man who has had one. Plus, all the men that have mustaches are old (sorry men over 35 - I'm only 24, so that's old to me), and I also think that it makes my boyfriend look old. Back to the creepiness factor, I'll give you an example from just this morning:

I work in an office that receives packages and such that need to be signed for. One of the delivery men (who just happened to have a mustache) brought a package in to my office for me to sign for. I was standing at the time of this delivery, and bent over to sign the paper. I turned to the left, so as he wouldn't be looking down my shirt as I signed his form. Strange thing happened though - he walked around from the front of my desk to the side of my desk. The same side I was bent toward. Needless to say I straightened up really fast, but only one word needed now: creep.

I told my boyfriend what had happened, and he ever so rightly vowed to kick some delivery man butt, but also said that a mustache is not what makes the creep, it's the man that makes the creep. Though I agree with this statement, I can't help but to notice that creepy men in general are drawn toward the facial hair style of: mustache.

A picture was taken of my beau with his new hairstyle and that picture was shown around the office with one question: yes or no? Everyone said no. To be fair, I have only had the chance to show other females in my age range. Maybe a male would think different. We will see.

Though I would love to post a picture of my beloved and have you answer the question specifically about whether he should keep it or not, I am just going to ask this instead: What is your opinion on the lone mustache? (It would help if you provided your age and gender when commenting. I do believe there may be a generational/sex split.)

Getting to Know You

I want to keep my first post nice and short and sweet, just to get it out there. So...
There is not much about my life that I find extremely interesting or out of the ordinary. Right now, I am just living life - or trying to at least. I have have many, many experiences, but there is also so much that I haven't done yet. I haven't had much luck with blogs in the past, but I am going to try my darndest to make this one work. I have a lot of questions about this and that and life in general that I would like to get your perspectives on.

For now, that is all I have.