Yes... I've found it. Sunnydale. The infamous city located directy over a hellmouth in the world of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Now, this version of Sunnydale goes by a different name and to my knowledge doesn't have any actual un-dead running around in the night, but I am finding so many similarities, it's uncanny.
Would you like to know the location? Yes? Okay... here it is: my home town.
Not that the entire town is bad - that's not the case at all. Just my little corner consisting of where I spend most of my day. Oddly enough, it's in a school - like Sunnydale High, just not a high school. And the vampires here don't actually drink the blood from the veins and can be seen during the day, but they are still the same kind of demons that slowly drain you of all the things that make you feel whole, alive and what makes life worthwile.
Once you're here, also, it's like you can't escape. Even after graduation, I find myself still stuck here - I've been here 7 years now, and I'm desperately looking for an out before I become devoured completely and I'm nothing but a shell. I'm already between half and 3/4 of the way there, and I'm going insane. Not a single day goes by that I don't dread coming to this place and dealing with the people I have to deal with. Again, it's not everyone, but those certain people who you can't avoid... I want to avoid them. Unfortunately I can't go around wearing garlic or carrying a spray bottle of Holy water. It wouldn't work anyway, and crosses just seem to attract these minions instead of scaring them away.
The ungrateful spirits of some of these people have pushed me to the limits. They're also drama-seekers, as if they didn't have enough of their own. And I know they have plenty of their own because they're also full on gossips and everything gets circled around whether I want to hear it or not. I've had to learn the hard way that I'd better not say anything anymore in confidence if I really want it kept in confidence.
One way or another, I've got to get out of this hell-hole. I may have to fight my way out or quietly dissappear, but I've got to get out. The end of the year is my deadline.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Feeling Down
From now on, I'll probably only be able to write one or two normal blogs per week. This past week has been just plain crappy for me. I wanted to keep my blogs from becoming too personal, but more and more I feel like I need an outlet for issues that are really affecting my life. I've become more irritable, emotional and confused over the past few days, and nothing feels like the right choice anymore, no matter what the problem or question is. There's no right answer for life. Right now, I'm not sure what to do.
I've been thinking of so many different things that I could at least try to do to get my life somewhere remotely close to where I want it to be. But it seems like to start trying to do anything besides what you've been doing, you need lots of money - or connections, neither of which I have. I keep coming to points in my life where I feel stuck, like I can't do anything different or new without giving up everything. These points and realizations have gotten me so down that I feel like giving up. But the thing is - I'm so low in life status that giving up would probably literally mean dying. I have no one to take care of me but myself. As much as anyone would like to believe that my boyfriend or my mom could take care of me if I needed it - they couldn't. And I couldn't do that to them - if they had to worry about taking care of me more than they already do, it would suck their lives down with mine. I don't know if it's that I have to provide for myself or just a want of knowing that I can provide myself with a good life.
I guess the main issue is that about half of the time, I don't know how to be happy. A lot of not so great things happen and I don't know where to look to find the good in it all. I should be able to take all of the tiny things that bring me some type of satisfaction and be happy holding on to that, but I've not been able to hold onto that for more than a few moments. It's like trying to fix a crack in a dam with bubblegum. It might hold for a little bit, but pretty soon, that dam is going to spring that leak again. I don't need bubblegum... I need cement, and I don't know where to find it. The hardware store isn't showing up on my GPS and there's no one around who can give me exact directions there.
Also, there are all the little tiny things that irritate or frustrate me throughout the day that cancel out the little tiny things that make me smile or that I'm looking forward to. Angst is a pretty strong weapon, and it takes a pretty strong hold. One that I haven't learned how to get out of yet, but I'm hoping that one day I can. Hope - that's another thing, just like dreams. I have them, but why does it take so long for something to become real? I hoped and hoped for a significant change for the better, something that was out of my control, but affected my life a great deal (you know, the same scenario as high gas prices - there's only so much you can do to battle how much you spend on it), and when it finally looked like things were improving, you get smacked right in the face - again. And dreams - they get exponentially harder to turn into reality once you add more that just yourself. But it wouldn't be the dream without the other stuff - it wouldn't be what you really want. So all of it goes around and around and around, not unlike the feeling of taking one step forward and two steps back. Sometimes you get to take two steps forward and only one step back, but it'll still take you forever and a day to get there.
I guess I still need to ask a question to fit this into the setup of my blog. What do you do when you're feeling down?
I've been thinking of so many different things that I could at least try to do to get my life somewhere remotely close to where I want it to be. But it seems like to start trying to do anything besides what you've been doing, you need lots of money - or connections, neither of which I have. I keep coming to points in my life where I feel stuck, like I can't do anything different or new without giving up everything. These points and realizations have gotten me so down that I feel like giving up. But the thing is - I'm so low in life status that giving up would probably literally mean dying. I have no one to take care of me but myself. As much as anyone would like to believe that my boyfriend or my mom could take care of me if I needed it - they couldn't. And I couldn't do that to them - if they had to worry about taking care of me more than they already do, it would suck their lives down with mine. I don't know if it's that I have to provide for myself or just a want of knowing that I can provide myself with a good life.
I guess the main issue is that about half of the time, I don't know how to be happy. A lot of not so great things happen and I don't know where to look to find the good in it all. I should be able to take all of the tiny things that bring me some type of satisfaction and be happy holding on to that, but I've not been able to hold onto that for more than a few moments. It's like trying to fix a crack in a dam with bubblegum. It might hold for a little bit, but pretty soon, that dam is going to spring that leak again. I don't need bubblegum... I need cement, and I don't know where to find it. The hardware store isn't showing up on my GPS and there's no one around who can give me exact directions there.
Also, there are all the little tiny things that irritate or frustrate me throughout the day that cancel out the little tiny things that make me smile or that I'm looking forward to. Angst is a pretty strong weapon, and it takes a pretty strong hold. One that I haven't learned how to get out of yet, but I'm hoping that one day I can. Hope - that's another thing, just like dreams. I have them, but why does it take so long for something to become real? I hoped and hoped for a significant change for the better, something that was out of my control, but affected my life a great deal (you know, the same scenario as high gas prices - there's only so much you can do to battle how much you spend on it), and when it finally looked like things were improving, you get smacked right in the face - again. And dreams - they get exponentially harder to turn into reality once you add more that just yourself. But it wouldn't be the dream without the other stuff - it wouldn't be what you really want. So all of it goes around and around and around, not unlike the feeling of taking one step forward and two steps back. Sometimes you get to take two steps forward and only one step back, but it'll still take you forever and a day to get there.
I guess I still need to ask a question to fit this into the setup of my blog. What do you do when you're feeling down?
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Birthday Gifts & Obnoxious Chicks
This weekend has gone really well for me. I've had a good time going to the movies with my guy and hanging out with friends and my mom - and trying to guess what my birthday present is. Although my birthday isn't for another FOUR months, my guy has already bought one of my gifts.
All I know about the gift is that it fits into a box (sized about 3' x 2' x 1'), it's pretty expensive (I consider expensive anything over $50, but I'm guessing that this has fallen into the range of between $100 and $300), my brother was with my guy when the present was bought (at Wal-Mart), my female cousin loved it when it was shown to her, and my guy's best friend and his wife now know what it is. Also, there is apparently going to be a small gathering when I'm given my gift which has been scheduled to be gifted to me around the 4th of July, two months early. My love says that he's giving it(them) to me two months early because of two reasons: one, we had planned to go to Gatlinburg that week, but now we won't be able to go due to money contrictions, and two: because last year my birthday gift came two months late. This is all I am allowed to know, and all that anyone has told me. I may be updating on this situation from time to time, since I'm so intrigued by what it could be. I have my guesses, but for now, I'm not going to post what they are.
On to the obnoxious chicks thing... we went to see the Pirates movie yesterday and though the movie was great, I was dissappointed with the experience at the theater all because of one girl that just had to sit next to me. She was about my age, it looked like, but she was so incredibly loud that it almost ruined the movie for me. She was apparently so easily amused that she was laughing at everything, whether it was funny or not. At times, she was the only one in the entire theater laughing. And it wasn't a little laugh either. It was a big, loud, boistrous laugh that rang through the entire theather above all the sword-fighting action noise - right into my ear drum. At the parts I wanted to laugh, my jolliness was cut short by the annoyance of her laughter. I had to plug my ear from time to time since the shrill pierced right into my ear drum. She was so distracting at parts, that I'm sure I will see new things when I'm finally able to watch the movie again.
In other news - i got new glasses - yay! They are extremely different from the ones I've had for about four or five years now - and they're purple! However, I have to go - like now - to get them adjusted. They are killing the behind my ears area by being just a bit too snug. I've actually been typing half of this blog without any help corercting my poor vision, so I spologize for any mis-spellings. I just can not take the pain any longer. Straight to the eye people - after my questions for you.
Questions: What was your worst movie going experience? And... what do you think my gift could be (please do not guess "ring" though - I've come to the conclusion that it's not)?
All I know about the gift is that it fits into a box (sized about 3' x 2' x 1'), it's pretty expensive (I consider expensive anything over $50, but I'm guessing that this has fallen into the range of between $100 and $300), my brother was with my guy when the present was bought (at Wal-Mart), my female cousin loved it when it was shown to her, and my guy's best friend and his wife now know what it is. Also, there is apparently going to be a small gathering when I'm given my gift which has been scheduled to be gifted to me around the 4th of July, two months early. My love says that he's giving it(them) to me two months early because of two reasons: one, we had planned to go to Gatlinburg that week, but now we won't be able to go due to money contrictions, and two: because last year my birthday gift came two months late. This is all I am allowed to know, and all that anyone has told me. I may be updating on this situation from time to time, since I'm so intrigued by what it could be. I have my guesses, but for now, I'm not going to post what they are.
On to the obnoxious chicks thing... we went to see the Pirates movie yesterday and though the movie was great, I was dissappointed with the experience at the theater all because of one girl that just had to sit next to me. She was about my age, it looked like, but she was so incredibly loud that it almost ruined the movie for me. She was apparently so easily amused that she was laughing at everything, whether it was funny or not. At times, she was the only one in the entire theater laughing. And it wasn't a little laugh either. It was a big, loud, boistrous laugh that rang through the entire theather above all the sword-fighting action noise - right into my ear drum. At the parts I wanted to laugh, my jolliness was cut short by the annoyance of her laughter. I had to plug my ear from time to time since the shrill pierced right into my ear drum. She was so distracting at parts, that I'm sure I will see new things when I'm finally able to watch the movie again.
In other news - i got new glasses - yay! They are extremely different from the ones I've had for about four or five years now - and they're purple! However, I have to go - like now - to get them adjusted. They are killing the behind my ears area by being just a bit too snug. I've actually been typing half of this blog without any help corercting my poor vision, so I spologize for any mis-spellings. I just can not take the pain any longer. Straight to the eye people - after my questions for you.
Questions: What was your worst movie going experience? And... what do you think my gift could be (please do not guess "ring" though - I've come to the conclusion that it's not)?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
TV Show Envy
Apologies for the few days of haitus I've taken. I will probably tend to do that from time to time, just because life can get so busy. You all know how it goes, I'm sure.
Today I started thinking about the kinds of TV shows that I enjoy - mostly comedies like "The Big Bang Theory", "That 70's Show" or "How I Met Your Mother". I realized that though I know that the lives of the characters in the show aren't real, I envy them at times.
For all the above mentioned shows, there is a group of friends, for one. That intimate group of friends is what makes the show interesting, and usually doesn't exist in "real life". However, that's one of the things I find that I wish I had - a group of four or five really close friends. Friendships aren't perfect, but they're always there for each other at the end.
Last night, I found myself envious of the last episode of the season for "How I Met Your Mother". I'm sorry if you haven't seen the episode yet and this spoils it for you, but Lilly finds out she's finally pregnant. Though in no way do I think I need to have a baby in the near future, I can't help the mother/ticking clock instinct. It's a real tough spot to be in - wanting and not wanting something at the same time.
I feel myself starting to ramble, so I am going to end now with today's question: If you could choose to be any tv show character and have their life, who would you be?
Today I started thinking about the kinds of TV shows that I enjoy - mostly comedies like "The Big Bang Theory", "That 70's Show" or "How I Met Your Mother". I realized that though I know that the lives of the characters in the show aren't real, I envy them at times.
For all the above mentioned shows, there is a group of friends, for one. That intimate group of friends is what makes the show interesting, and usually doesn't exist in "real life". However, that's one of the things I find that I wish I had - a group of four or five really close friends. Friendships aren't perfect, but they're always there for each other at the end.
Last night, I found myself envious of the last episode of the season for "How I Met Your Mother". I'm sorry if you haven't seen the episode yet and this spoils it for you, but Lilly finds out she's finally pregnant. Though in no way do I think I need to have a baby in the near future, I can't help the mother/ticking clock instinct. It's a real tough spot to be in - wanting and not wanting something at the same time.
I feel myself starting to ramble, so I am going to end now with today's question: If you could choose to be any tv show character and have their life, who would you be?
Saturday, May 14, 2011
The Summer of Movies
This summer has been proclaimed the "The Movie Summer" by my guy and I. As I believe I've stated in a previous post, we have a movie to go see almost every weekend, and are thanking our stars that one of our local theaters has a special $5 deal during certain showtimes. This speicific post will be updated throughout the summer with the names and dates of movies seen and also my personal ratings on a 1 - 10 scale.
To see synopsis, my fuller opinion, websites to movies, etc., check out my side blog "The Summer of Movies" by clicking HERE.
Movie #1: African Cats. Date: April 23, 2011. My rating:: 7
Movie #2: Thor. Date: May 7, 2011. My rating: 8
Movie #3: Bridesmaids. Date: May 14, 2011. My rating: 9
Movie #4: Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides. Date: May 21, 2011. My rating: 7
To see synopsis, my fuller opinion, websites to movies, etc., check out my side blog "The Summer of Movies" by clicking HERE.
Movie #1: African Cats. Date: April 23, 2011. My rating:: 7
Movie #2: Thor. Date: May 7, 2011. My rating: 8
Movie #3: Bridesmaids. Date: May 14, 2011. My rating: 9
Movie #4: Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides. Date: May 21, 2011. My rating: 7
Friday, May 13, 2011
The Good News/Bad News Game
I feel like today has been a day of the good news/bad news game. The day started out with the power going out while I was trying to get ready. Bad news. The boss was in a rage first thing this morning, and were told to try our best to avoid them. Bad news. After much debating, the decision was made that we wouldn't be able to afford to go to Gatlinburg for our summer vacation. Bad news. I forgot about a "street fest" at the cafeteria today that I got a reminder about which meant free lunch. Good news. We got $1500 deposited into an account from the insurance company to help pay for repairs on the car. Good news. We need another $500 to cover the cost of the repairs on top of that. Bad news. I have a huge zit on my chin. Bad news. It's sunny outside so we can finally grill. Good news.
Most of today's news has apparently been bad. I just realized that, but I am so grateful that it's Friday. Good news. I think the fact that it's Friday helps even out the score, but the dissappointment of not being able to have a real vacation weighs the bad news side down pretty heavily. And that bad news will last all summer.
That's all I have to blog on for today, since I have a mini-migraine and it's worn my brain out. (More bad news.) Searching for a question to ask today... ... ... ... ... What has been the best news that you've gotten today (or event that's happened)?
Most of today's news has apparently been bad. I just realized that, but I am so grateful that it's Friday. Good news. I think the fact that it's Friday helps even out the score, but the dissappointment of not being able to have a real vacation weighs the bad news side down pretty heavily. And that bad news will last all summer.
That's all I have to blog on for today, since I have a mini-migraine and it's worn my brain out. (More bad news.) Searching for a question to ask today... ... ... ... ... What has been the best news that you've gotten today (or event that's happened)?
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Mistaken Relations
Today, I have to blog about something both interesting and slightly disturbing that happened to my guy and I over my lunch break. We were paying a utility bill - scene: I was sitting in a chair across the desk from the teller with my guy standing behind me rubbing my neck. After the transaction was completed the teller acted like she wanted to say something but was having trouble finding the words.
Finally she pointed back and forth to both of us and asked "husband and wife?". As much as I would have like to have just said yes, I told the truth and shook my head no. She then proceeded to ask us if we were brother and sister then. OMG - NO!
That answer was nearly shouted by the both of us. We are still not sure why she would think that we were brother and sister after seeing him rub my neck the way he was doing. She told us that we resembled each other. We have been told that before even though neither of us see it. If it weren't for the fact that I don't want to post personal photos of anyone, including myself, on my blog, that would be the question I would have for you today.
The teller finally got the right combination of "boyfriend and girlfriend" right. But the baffled thoughts of our mistaken relationships had already done their damage for the day. Ten minutes later I had to force my beloved to "take the brother/sister thing and throw it out the window" since he wouldn't stop talking about how inappropriate the thought was, especially after the teller saw him rubbing my neck, and that even twenty generations ago our families were unlikely to be related, and so on and so forth.
Now that I have been mistaken both for my boyfriend's sister and years ago mistaken for my brother's wife (even more disturbing and grotesque), I ask you: have you ever been mistaken for a partner's sibling or a sibling's partner?
Finally she pointed back and forth to both of us and asked "husband and wife?". As much as I would have like to have just said yes, I told the truth and shook my head no. She then proceeded to ask us if we were brother and sister then. OMG - NO!
That answer was nearly shouted by the both of us. We are still not sure why she would think that we were brother and sister after seeing him rub my neck the way he was doing. She told us that we resembled each other. We have been told that before even though neither of us see it. If it weren't for the fact that I don't want to post personal photos of anyone, including myself, on my blog, that would be the question I would have for you today.
The teller finally got the right combination of "boyfriend and girlfriend" right. But the baffled thoughts of our mistaken relationships had already done their damage for the day. Ten minutes later I had to force my beloved to "take the brother/sister thing and throw it out the window" since he wouldn't stop talking about how inappropriate the thought was, especially after the teller saw him rubbing my neck, and that even twenty generations ago our families were unlikely to be related, and so on and so forth.
Now that I have been mistaken both for my boyfriend's sister and years ago mistaken for my brother's wife (even more disturbing and grotesque), I ask you: have you ever been mistaken for a partner's sibling or a sibling's partner?
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